What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
08.06.2025 00:01
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
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When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
When she asked me how she looked .
Especially a lifetime of it.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
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Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Why is every human messed up in some way?
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
We all went to grammer schools
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And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Why would an older small breed dog become obsessive about hygiene?
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
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Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
My life is so biszare .
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But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Why do guys have better skin than women even though women use more product?
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
We were not on the streets..
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
What did i know ?
It was going to be , some day.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
She loved him until the end.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I was very sick at this time too.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I was seconnd youngest,
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
My family never makes their pension either.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I will be 64.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I was 9 years of age.
I write beautiful poetry .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I waited trembling.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
(And it was in our own minds.)
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I was scared of men, in general
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
And i lived it daily.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Put me off passion for life!!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But ive been too sick for many years..
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I don,t even have a pension.
So whats the point in blame.
So, i spoilt her more .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But, we were locked up after school.
Comes on , in middle age.
She found it foreign!.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Was to survive, this bastard.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
As i do to all so called friends.?
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
All the time i was locked up.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
He knew the spot.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
She wouldn,t have been !
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
She was in good health!
I never cut or harmed myself..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I could never make a relationship work though!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Im still living with it.
Ive learnt so much.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
But it wasn’t much.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Would this be the day?
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
One cannot live in the past .
I have no regrets .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
This is soul school!.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Why did i forgive my father ?
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Who then, do I blame.?
I said to her
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
She married twice! .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
He resisted the act ,that day.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I think the readers, may guess!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.